Wheaton, IL -

Don’t get us wrong, the Windy City is the Midwest’s mecca.

Like that cool, older friend who took us to our first R-rated movie, the city’s shown us things we’d never seen.

But then we got married, had children, bought an SUV and were approved for a mortgage.

And all of a sudden having enough room for a swing set became more appealing than $15 martinis, nightly trips to Wrigley Field and public transportation.

Obviously, more than tollways separate downtown and the suburbs and it’s time we Westies embrace what makes life outside the city just peachy.

Taste of the familiar

What could be greater than braving sweltering temperatures and more than 3 million people to pay $10 for delicacies like a slice of Connie’s pizza or Eli’s cheesecake?

Sticking around town for summertime festivals like Pride of the Fox in St. Charles or Lisle’s Eyes to the Skies, where you can feast your peepers on hot air balloons, not the sweaty, hairy back of the big tattooed guy in front of you.

Twinkle, twinkle

Sure the Adler Planetarium has loads of them, but can you step out on the curb, look up and see stars among the city lights in that much bigger, natural screen always overhead? Not a one.

The Glen D. Riley Observatory, owned and operated by the Naperville Astrological Association, has a rotating dome and regularly offers tours to Scouts and other groups. So if the only Milky Way you’re familiar with comes out of a vending machine, do yourself a favor and check out the club’s Web site at www.stargazing.net/naa.

Scan

Anything you’d find in a downtown college pad — apart from a crippling lack of dignity — you can get at IKEA. The retailer that takes the term “big box” to heart has but two Illinois locations: 1800 E. McConnor Parkway in Schaumburg and 750 E. Boughton Road in Bolingbrook.

Among its winding aisles of Nordic-inspired everything sit IKEA cafés, which sell 30,000 Swedish meatballs between the two stores every week.

And you thought the land of meatballs was Little Italy.

Notable names

The Westies have churned out their fair share of celebrities, like Wheaton funnyman John Belushi, Glendale Heights alternative songster Billy Corgan and Downers Grove diva Denise Richards. Blues legend Muddy Waters liked the area so much he spent the final 10 years of his life in Westmont.

In Chicago’s corner: the vowelmonger Pat Sajak, rapper and esteemed “Surreal Life” cast member Da Brat, and Lord of the Dance himself, Michael Flatley.

No zingers necessary.

Da accent

The Saturday Night Live Superfans sketch, which enjoyed a short-lived renaissance in the weeks leading up to the day-we-shall-not-name, is hysterical. But the Chicago accent itself is cringe-worthy.

Unless of course, you’re cheering on Da Bears.

Out here, the speech is a little less blue collar, a little more blue blood.

That’s no place for an armchair

Sure a toddler could have told you parking would be on this list. Really, a goldfish could have predicted it, but the fact remains: getting a spot on a Chicago street is like discovering Tolstoy on Paris Hilton’s nightstand. Not bloody likely.

In the parking wars that wage on residential byways, select heavy pieces of furniture are the pawns, occupying precious and often freshly shoveled spaces.

Our furniture gets to stay put in the house, while our SUVs rest up in our posh two-car garages.

Extortionists, watch them bend the laws

Want to build a new development or get a city job in Chicago? It’s easy enough if you have a little green, the right political leanings or know the boss’s father’s nephew’s son-in-law.

If you don’t believe us, ask Mayor Richard M. Daley, who hung on the periphery of 2004’s Hired Truck scandal; Arenda Troutman, a South Side alderman under federal investigation for taking bribes; or Al Sanchez, a city commissioner indicted for handing out positions to those who gave time or money to the Hispanic Democratic Organization, as well as anyone who cut his grass.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is state Sen. John Millner, R-28th District, of Carol Stream, a former police chief who went into politics to help his fellow citizens. Imagine that.

Man on the runs

Come on in, the water’s bursting with E. coli.

This summer, instead of schlepping your beach bag down to Lake Michigan’s shores, try Centennial Beach, 500 W. Jackson Ave., Naperville; Rice Pool and Waterpark, 1777 S. Blanchard St., Wheaton; or Addison Park District Family Aquatic Center, 120 E. Oak St.

These places are much closer to home, and you’ll go on thinking “shiga toxin” is just an ‘80s punk band.

Breathing room

No big city is complete without traffic, congestion and business. But while the economy might enjoy all the hubbub, the environment does not.

Chicago consistently comes in above the national average for air pollutants and emissions, said Bob Swinford, supervisor of air quality for the Illinois Environmental Protection Agency.

The Western Suburbs, on the other hand, get a clean bill of health, which means all our asthmatic little tykes can breathe a little easier.

The Beatles said it best

“If you get too cold, I’ll tax the heat/If you take a walk, I’ll tax your feet.”

Chicago loves its sales tax at a ripe 9 percent.

And while the state imposes a uniform tax on gas, you can find it costs on average 20 cents more to fill ‘er up, if not more, in the city.

The nifty Web site, www.chicagogasprices.com, shows visitors that what is $2.79 per gallon on Washington Street in Hinsdale is $2.99 on Taylor Street downtown.

“Cause I’m the taxman/Yeah, I’m the taxman."

SUBURBANITES RESPOND: Why do you choose to live in the suburbs over downtown Chicago?

Rich O'Brien, La Grange

 

“The parking is the whole issue. Here, there’s less congestion, shopping is a lot easier. In the city, it’s $25 to park your car in a garage, and if you want street parking, everything’s zoned and permit. Now, even the suburbs are building parking garages. But I’ve been here 25 years. I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Howard Stoller, Winfield

“When we had kids, (we decided) it was a better place to raise them. You’ve got the yard, better schools, more space. Plus we grew up here.”

 

Nancy Harris, Huntley

“My husband and I just bought our house in Huntley. The biggest reason is the taxes. (In Kendall County) you can get a lot more building for less taxes than you can in Cook County.”

 

Kim Robbins, Clarendon Hills

“I lived in the city as a young child but moved to Tinley Park and so I had a suburban upbringing. Clarendon Hills is a centrally located area. (I like) this particular area as opposed to some others because it’s not a cookie cutter neighborhood. The schools are also a big thing.”

 

Jess Fidrocki, Elmhurst

“Some of the public schools in the city aren’t where they should be, so you have to pay a lot for private education. Here, the public schools are great. Coming here was such a godsend, there are a lot of great resources.”

 

San Mohammed, Rosemont

“Single family homes in Chicago cost about a million bucks.”

Jim Tettenhorst, Plainfield

“I work in the suburbs, and I don’t want to commute downtown. I actually calculated the train commute from Lisle, where I used to live, to Chicago. You multiply three hours a day by 20 days a month by 52 weeks a year, and that’s 30 days straight of the year spent on the train.”

Kristen Bernardini, Elmhurst

“The city is beautiful, don’t get me wrong. (But) Elmhurst is a wonderful town. It’s safe. It’s close to Oak Brook Mall, to downtown, to Brookfield Zoo.”